jokes 15.02.07

**Ree** · 15-02-2007, 11:47 PM

The Englishman's wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear. "Good God, woman! Why aren't you wearing any knickers?" her husband demanded. "Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any." The Englishman immediately reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency, here's £50. Go and buy yourself some underwear."
Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt also blows up to show that she is wearing no undies. "Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! You've no knickers. Why not?" She replies, "I can't afford any on the money you give me." He reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency, here's £20. Go and buy yourself some underwear!"
Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it. "Sweet mudder of Jesus, Aggie! Where the frig are yer drawers?" She too explains, "You dinna give me enough money ta be able ta affarrd any." The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says, "Well, fer the love 'o Jasus, 'n the sake of decency, here's a comb. Tidy yerself up a bit."
************************* **********
A wealthy married man was having an affair with an Italian woman for several years. One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in him that she was pregnant.
Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he said he would pay her a large sum of money if she moved to Italy to raise the child. He would also provide child support until the child turned 18. She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born.
To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card and write "Spaghetti" on the back. He would then arrange for child support
payments to begin.
One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife. Honey, she said, "You received a very strange post card today." "Oh, just give it to me and I'll try to explain it," he said.
The wife obeyed, and watched as her husband read the card, turned white and fainted.
On the card was written: "Spaghetti,Spaghetti,Spag hetti Two withmeatballs, one without".
************************* ***********
A first-grade teacher, Ms Kim (Age 22) was having trouble with one of her students.
The teacher asked, "Boy. What is your problem?
Boy answered, "I'm too smart for the first-grade. My sister is in the third-grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the
third-grade too!"
Ms Kim had enough. She took the Boy to the principal's office. While the boy waited out of the office, the teacher explained to the
Principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms Kim he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first-grade and behave. She agreed. Boy was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he
agreed to take the test.
Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Boy: "9"
Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Boy: "36".
And so it went with every question the principal thought a third-grade should know. The principal looks at Ms Kim and tells her, "I think Boy can go to the third-grade."
Ms Kim says to the principal, "I have some of my own questions. Can I ask him?" The principal and boy both agree.
Ms Kim asks: "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?
Boy, after a moment: "Legs."
Ms Kim: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"
Boy: "Pockets."
Ms Kim: What starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, and delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?
Boy: Coconut
Ms Kim: What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?
(The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer, Boy was taking charge).
Boy: Bubblegum
Ms Kim: What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?
(The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer...)
Boy: Shake hands
Ms Kim: Now I will ask some "Who am I" sort of questions, okay?
Boy: Yep.
Ms Kim: You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do.
Boy: Tent
Ms Kim: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first.
(The Principal was looking restless, a bit tense and took one large Vodka peg.)
Boy: Wedding Ring
Ms Kim: I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good.
Boy: Nose
Ms Kim: I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver.
Boy: Arrow
Ms Kim: What word starts with a 'F' and ends in 'K' that means lot of heat and excitement?
Boy: Firetruck
Ms Kim: What word starts with a 'F' and ends in 'K' & if u don't get it you have to use your hand.
Boy: Fork
Ms Kim: What is it that all men have one of it's longer on some men than on others, the pope doesn't use his and a man gives it to his wife after they're married?
Boy: SURNAME
Ms Kim: What part of the man has no bone but has muscles, has lots of veins, like pumping, & is responsible for making love?
Boy: HEART.
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and said to the teacher, "Send this boy to University, I got the last ten questions wrong myself!"
************************* ******
TWO OLD MEN DECIDE THEY ARE CLOSE TO THEIR LAST DAYS AND DECIDE TO HAVE A LAST NIGHT ON THE TOWN. AFTER A FEW DRINKS, THEY END UP AT THE LOCAL BROTHEL. THE MADAM TAKES ONE LOOK AT THE TWO OLD GEEZERS AND WHISPERS TO HER MANAGER, "GO UP TO THE FIRST TWO BEDROOMS AND PUT AN INFLATED DOLL IN EACH BED. THESE TWO ARE SO OLD AND DRUNK, I'M NOT WASTING TWO OF MY GIRLS ON THEM. THEY WON'T KNOW THE DIFFERENCE."
THE MANAGER DOES AS HE IS TOLD AND THE TWO OLD MEN GO UPSTAIRS AND TAKE CARE OF THEIR BUSINESS.
AS THEY ARE WALKING HOME THE FIRST MAN SAYS, "YOU KNOW, I THINK MY GIRL WAS DEAD!"
"DEAD?" SAYS HIS FRIEND, "WHY DO YOU SAY THAT?"
"WELL, SHE NEVER MOVED OR MADE A SOUND ALL THE TIME I WAS LOVING HER."
HIS FRIEND SAYS, "COULD BE WORSE I THINK MINE WAS A WITCH."
"A WITCH, WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU SAY THAT?"
"WELL, I WAS MAKING LOVE TO HER, KISSING HER ON THE NECK AND I GAVE HER A LITTLE BITE, THEN SHE FARTED AND FLEW OUT THE WINDOW."
************************* **********
Tom, **** & Harry tendered for a job with the local council.
Tom said: " I can do that job for £6,000 - £3000 for parts and £3000 for labour."
**** said: "I could do that for £3000 - £1500 for parts and £1500 for labour."
Harry was confident and said: "I can do it for £9000."
"How?" the official asked
"£3000 for you, £3000 for me and **** does the job." Harry replied
************************* *************
A man feared his wife wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid. Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family doctor to discuss the problem.
The doctor told him there is a simple test the he could perform to give the doctor a better idea about her hearing loss. "Here's what you do," said the Doctor, "stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response."
That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the den. He says to himself, "I'm about 40 Feet away, let's see what happens." Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?"
No response. So the husband moves to closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, "Honey, what's for dinner?" Still no response. Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks, "Honey, what's for dinner?" Again he gets no response.
So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. "Honey, what's for dinner?" Again there is no response. So he walks right up behind her. "Honey, what's for dinner?"
"Good Lord, Ralph, are you deaf? I said for the FIFTH time, CHICKEN !"
************************* **************
Billy was at school this morning in the outback and the teacher asked all the children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came out, fireman, policeman, salesman, chippy, captain of industry etc, but Billy was being uncharacteristically quiet and so the teacher asked him about his father.
"My father is an exotic dancer in a gay club and takes off all his clothes in front of other men. Sometimes if the offer is really good, he'll go out with a man, rent a cheap hotel room and let them sleep with him."
The teacher quickly set the other children some work and took little Billy aside to ask him if that was really true.
"No" said Billy, "He plays cricket for England but I was just too embarrassed to say."
************************* ***********

**Ree** · 15-02-2007, 11:50 PM

Definition of kiss
------------ --------- ----

Prof .of Economics
Kiss is that thing for which the demand is aways higher than the supply.

Prof. of Accountancy
Kiss is a credit because it is profitable when returned.

Prof. of Algebra
Kiss is infinity because two divided by nothing.

Prof. of Geometry
Kiss is the shortest distance between two lips.

Prof. of Physics
Kiss is the contraction of mouth due to the expansion of the heart.

Prof. of Chemistry
Kiss is the reaction of the interaction between two hearts.

Prof. of Zoology
Kiss is the interchange of salivary bacteria.

Prof. of Physiology
Kiss is the juxtaposition of two orbicularisoris muscles in the state of contraction.

Prof. of Dentistry
Kiss is infectious and antiseptic.

Prof. of Philosophy
Kiss is the persecution for the child, ecstasy for the youth and homage for the old.

Prof. of English
Kiss is a noun that is used as a conjunction, it is more common than proper, it is spoken in the plural and it is applicable to all.

Prof. of Architecture
Kiss is a process which builds a solid bond between the two dynamic objects

Prof. of Comp.Science
What is a kiss? It seems to be an undefined variable

miss scandlous · 18-06-2007, 06:11 PM

lolzzzz hahahaha @ 3rd one!!!! its 2 test how dirty our minds r enit? lol

15-02-2007, 11:47 PM	#1
Ree x Nitesh x Join Date: Feb 2002 Location: North London Age: 23 Posts: 7,522	jokes 15.02.07 The Englishman's wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear. "Good God, woman! Why aren't you wearing any knickers?" her husband demanded. "Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any." The Englishman immediately reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency, here's £50. Go and buy yourself some underwear." Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt also blows up to show that she is wearing no undies. "Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! You've no knickers. Why not?" She replies, "I can't afford any on the money you give me." He reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency, here's £20. Go and buy yourself some underwear!" Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it. "Sweet mudder of Jesus, Aggie! Where the frig are yer drawers?" She too explains, "You dinna give me enough money ta be able ta affarrd any." The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says, "Well, fer the love 'o Jasus, 'n the sake of decency, here's a comb. Tidy yerself up a bit." *********************** ****** A wealthy married man was having an affair with an Italian woman for several years. One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he said he would pay her a large sum of money if she moved to Italy to raise the child. He would also provide child support until the child turned 18. She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card and write "Spaghetti" on the back. He would then arrange for child support payments to begin. One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife. Honey, she said, "You received a very strange post card today." "Oh, just give it to me and I'll try to explain it," he said. The wife obeyed, and watched as her husband read the card, turned white and fainted. On the card was written: "Spaghetti,Spaghetti,Spag hetti Two withmeatballs, one without". ********************* ******* A first-grade teacher, Ms Kim (Age 22) was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Boy. What is your problem? Boy answered, "I'm too smart for the first-grade. My sister is in the third-grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third-grade too!" Ms Kim had enough. She took the Boy to the principal's office. While the boy waited out of the office, the teacher explained to the Principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms Kim he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first-grade and behave. She agreed. Boy was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test. Principal: "What is 3 x 3?" Boy: "9" Principal: "What is 6 x 6?" Boy: "36". And so it went with every question the principal thought a third-grade should know. The principal looks at Ms Kim and tells her, "I think Boy can go to the third-grade." Ms Kim says to the principal, "I have some of my own questions. Can I ask him?" The principal and boy both agree. Ms Kim asks: "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of? Boy, after a moment: "Legs." Ms Kim: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?" Boy: "Pockets." Ms Kim: What starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, and delicious and contains thin whitish liquid? Boy: Coconut Ms Kim: What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky? (The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer, Boy was taking charge). Boy: Bubblegum Ms Kim: What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs? (The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer...) Boy: Shake hands Ms Kim: Now I will ask some "Who am I" sort of questions, okay? Boy: Yep. Ms Kim: You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do. Boy: Tent Ms Kim: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first. (The Principal was looking restless, a bit tense and took one large Vodka peg.) Boy: Wedding Ring Ms Kim: I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good. Boy: Nose Ms Kim: I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver. Boy: Arrow Ms Kim: What word starts with a 'F' and ends in 'K' that means lot of heat and excitement? Boy: Firetruck Ms Kim: What word starts with a 'F' and ends in 'K' & if u don't get it you have to use your hand. Boy: Fork Ms Kim: What is it that all men have one of it's longer on some men than on others, the pope doesn't use his and a man gives it to his wife after they're married? Boy: SURNAME Ms Kim: What part of the man has no bone but has muscles, has lots of veins, like pumping, & is responsible for making love? Boy: HEART. The principal breathed a sigh of relief and said to the teacher, "Send this boy to University, I got the last ten questions wrong myself!" ********************* ** TWO OLD MEN DECIDE THEY ARE CLOSE TO THEIR LAST DAYS AND DECIDE TO HAVE A LAST NIGHT ON THE TOWN. AFTER A FEW DRINKS, THEY END UP AT THE LOCAL BROTHEL. THE MADAM TAKES ONE LOOK AT THE TWO OLD GEEZERS AND WHISPERS TO HER MANAGER, "GO UP TO THE FIRST TWO BEDROOMS AND PUT AN INFLATED DOLL IN EACH BED. THESE TWO ARE SO OLD AND DRUNK, I'M NOT WASTING TWO OF MY GIRLS ON THEM. THEY WON'T KNOW THE DIFFERENCE." THE MANAGER DOES AS HE IS TOLD AND THE TWO OLD MEN GO UPSTAIRS AND TAKE CARE OF THEIR BUSINESS. AS THEY ARE WALKING HOME THE FIRST MAN SAYS, "YOU KNOW, I THINK MY GIRL WAS DEAD!" "DEAD?" SAYS HIS FRIEND, "WHY DO YOU SAY THAT?" "WELL, SHE NEVER MOVED OR MADE A SOUND ALL THE TIME I WAS LOVING HER." HIS FRIEND SAYS, "COULD BE WORSE I THINK MINE WAS A WITCH." "A WITCH, WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU SAY THAT?" "WELL, I WAS MAKING LOVE TO HER, KISSING HER ON THE NECK AND I GAVE HER A LITTLE BITE, THEN SHE FARTED AND FLEW OUT THE WINDOW." ********************* ****** Tom, & Harry tendered for a job with the local council. Tom said: " I can do that job for £6,000 - £3000 for parts and £3000 for labour." said: "I could do that for £3000 - £1500 for parts and £1500 for labour." Harry was confident and said: "I can do it for £9000." "How?" the official asked "£3000 for you, £3000 for me and does the job." Harry replied ********************* ********* A man feared his wife wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid. Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family doctor to discuss the problem. The doctor told him there is a simple test the he could perform to give the doctor a better idea about her hearing loss. "Here's what you do," said the Doctor, "stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response." That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the den. He says to himself, "I'm about 40 Feet away, let's see what happens." Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?" No response. So the husband moves to closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, "Honey, what's for dinner?" Still no response. Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks, "Honey, what's for dinner?" Again he gets no response. So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. "Honey, what's for dinner?" Again there is no response. So he walks right up behind her. "Honey, what's for dinner?" "Good Lord, Ralph, are you deaf? I said for the FIFTH time, CHICKEN !" ********************* ********** Billy was at school this morning in the outback and the teacher asked all the children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came out, fireman, policeman, salesman, chippy, captain of industry etc, but Billy was being uncharacteristically quiet and so the teacher asked him about his father. "My father is an exotic dancer in a gay club and takes off all his clothes in front of other men. Sometimes if the offer is really good, he'll go out with a man, rent a cheap hotel room and let them sleep with him." The teacher quickly set the other children some work and took little Billy aside to ask him if that was really true. "No" said Billy, "He plays cricket for England but I was just too embarrassed to say." ********************* *********

18-06-2007, 06:11 PM	#3
miss scandlous Still Learning Join Date: Jan 2004 Location: Frm Heaven Posts: 46 My Mood:	lolzzzz hahahaha @ 3rd one!!!! its 2 test how dirty our minds r enit? lol Kil Da *****