Jokes 30.01.07

[Ree]

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.
One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me . I know we've been friends for a long time, but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is."
Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"
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A man was walking one day, when he came to this big house in a nice neighborhood. Suddenly he realized there was a couple making love out on the lawn. Then he noticed another couple over behind a tree. Then another couple behind some bushes by the house.
He walked up to the door of the house, and knocked. A well dressed woman answered the door, and the man asked what kind of a place this was.
"This is a brothel," replied the madam.
"Well, what's all this out on the lawn?" queried the man.
"Oh, we're having a yard sale today!"
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Three sisters ages 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together.
One night the 96 year old puts her foot in the bathroom and pauses. She yells to the other sisters, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?"
The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see." She starts up the stairs and pauses. "Was I going up the stairs or down?"
The 92 year old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful," as she knocked on her wooden table for good measure. "
She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."
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The priest was preparing a man for his long day's journey into night.
Whispering firmly, the priest said, "Denounce the devil! Let him know how little you think of him!"
The dying man said nothing. The priest repeated his order. Still the man said nothing.
The priest asked, "Why do you refuse to denounce the devil and his evil?"
The dying man said, "Until I know for sure where I'm heading, I don't think I ought to aggravate anybody."
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This guy walks into a bank and says to the teller at the window, "I want to open a freakin' checking account."
To which the lady replied, "I beg your pardon, what did you say?"
"Listen up dammit, I said I want to open a freakin' checking account right now."
"Sir, I'm sorry but we do not tolerate that kind of language in this bank!" The teller left the window and went over to the bank manager and told him about her situation.
They both returned and the manager asked, "What seems to be the problem here?"
"There's no damn problem," the man says, "I just won $50 million in the lottery and I want to open a freakin checking account in this damn bank!"
"I see sir," the manager said, "and this ***** is giving you a hard time?"
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A mathematician, an accountant and an economist apply for the same job.
The interviewer calls in the mathematician and asks, "What does two plus two equal?"
The mathematician replies, "Four."
The interviewer asks, "Four, exactly?"
The mathematician looks at the interviewer incredulously and says, "Yes, four, exactly."
Then the interviewer calls in the accountant and asks the same question, "What does two plus two equal?"
The accountant says, "On average, four -- give or take 10 percent -- but on average, four."
Then the interviewer calls in the economist and poses the same question,
"What does two plus two equal?"
The economist gets up, locks the door, closes the blinds, sits down next to the interviewer, and says, "What do you want it to equal?"
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Dad: "I will show you"
Dad turns to his wife and asks her: "Would you sleep with Robert Redford for 1 million dollars"?
Wife: "Yes of course! I would never waste such an opportunity"...
Then Dad asks his daughter, if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for 1 million dollars?
Daughter:" Wow! Yes! he is my fantasy!"
So Dad turns to his elder son and asks him: "Would you sleep with Tom Cruise for 1 million dollars"?
Elder Son: "Yeah! Why not? Imagine what I could do with 1 million Dollars! I would never hesitate!"
So the father turns back to his younger son saying: "You see son, "Potentially" we are sitting on 3 million dollars, but in "Reality" we are living with 2 prostitutes and 1 gay.
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A Hindu, a Jew, and an attorney were driving across the country when they had car trouble late one night. After walking a few miles, they came upon a farmhouse.
The farmer and his wife were very friendly and they offered their guest room, but it only had one double bed. So, the Hindu volunteered to go sleep in the barn.
The Jew and the attorney settled down, about to fall asleep, when there was a knock on their bedroom door. It was the Hindu. "I'm sorry," he said, "but there's a cow in the barn. I can't sleep with a cow because it is sacred to my religion."
So, the Jew said he would go and sleep in the barn. The Hindu and the attorney settled down, about to fall asleep, when there was a knock on their bedroom door. It was the Jew. "I'm sorry, but there is a pig in the barn and there is no way I can sleep with a pig."
So, the attorney said he would go sleep in the barn. The Hindu and the Jew were just getting settled, about to fall asleep, when there was a knock on their bedroom door.
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It was the cow and the pig….

[*LaAli*]